The Daily Sacrifice of Success
Sacrifice. This word has been on my mind lately. It sounds so dramatic, and it's easy to romanticize. When I hear it, my mind conjures up images of lost love, turning down wonderful opportunities for bigger and better ones, ditching the nay-sayer friends and feeling happy and free. Or I think of saying no to something that you already know is bad for you, and having people cheer you on. I certainly attribute recognition and honor with sacrificing something.
But if you are thick in the weeds of trying to learn how to be successful at something, you know that this is not true in all cases. Daily sacrifices in the name of success are menial, everyday moments that literally no one cares about but you. This has been kind of a tough pill for me to swallow lately.
Let me not confuse you: I don't totally consider myself highly successful. At least not like the MTV Cribs level, or anything. I own a home, have birthed two beautiful children (one of them naturally-albeit against my will), I'm married to a fine, fine man who loves me, I have some solid friends who let me use them as a sounding board for all of my ideas more than they probably like...I equate all of that to quite a bit of success, especially by the world’s standards.
They’re pretty great.
Oh. And I recently resigned from teaching to pursue my own business ventures full-time (with such a heavy heart, but also a sense of huge anticipation for this season of working from home with my babies by my side). THIS is what has required a lot of daily rituals of sacrifice. Some have surprised me. Some have made me sad. Some have been a joy. But they are all sacrifices nonetheless, and they are hard, although they feel insignificant most of the time.
Let me give you the most recent example of how this plays out in my life. Just this week, my husband took our girl out to run errands. My son had just gone down for a nap after a most traumatic check-up at the doctor, because all doctor's appointments invoke sheer terror in the heart of a toddler. I found myself standing in front of about an hour and a half of totally uninterrupted "me-time". Prior to having my own little full-time hustle, I would have started racing to brew a fresh pot of coffee that I could drink hot and in peace. I would have propped my feet up on the couch and turned the TV on to find something I could mindlessly watch that actually appealed to me. No Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. No Curious George. NO ESPN.
Instead of doing any of those things, I booked it straight to my office to work. I became aware of the choice that I had just made about 20 minutes into my work session, and I kind of laughed to myself that this is the kind of sacrifice it takes to be successful at something. And no one even knows or cares.
No one will give me a trophy for basically giving up regular TV over a year ago. No one is impressed that I wake up before my family to work, and then stay up after they are asleep. My husband is actually annoyed about 50% of the time that I don't know about what current event he is talking about anymore, because the nightly or morning news are no longer part of my routine. I will not get a round of applause. There are no medals for this.
And let's not pretend like I don't want to go sit and drink a hot cup of coffee without anyone threatening to spill it in my lap. Don't let me fool you into thinking for one second that I don't really miss HGTV. Sometimes I'll put it on in the background and try to work in the living room just to feel like I really do have this flexible, cool work-from-home life now. But then I get too distracted and see minutes slipping away and I turn it off and go back to my office like a loser.
Because that episode of House Hunters is just what I want in the moment. But what I really desire at the core of my being is to provide for my family in a way that I haven't even figured out language for yet. I simply haven't out-dreamed myself, and I'm only on the beginning of this journey.
Glennon Doyle Melton said once in a podcast interview that she remembered when she consciously decided to stop watching TV at night to write. She described TV with your spouse at the end of the day as the PROMISED LAND for moms. That's so accurate it's almost not even funny. When you can watch 30 minutes of a show with adult conversation and no one asking you for snacks, you feel truly free. To make the choice to not sit and decompress when there is work to be done and your craft must be refined is pretty bad-ass. Especially when you've spent the entire day caring for others. But it's not easy.
Another, harder sacrifice that comes with a hefty side of mom-guilt is giving up time with my family throughout the week. Y'all, the kinds of things I say to myself about what a bad mom/wife I am are things I wouldn't say to even my worst enemy. They start out as fleeting thoughts and I try to brush them off. But they always return, and they multiply, until my entire narrative is that maybe I'm doing a pretty good job at this whole self-employed thing this week, but I am worthless everywhere else.
As a result of this, I started yelling at my husband last week about how horribly I was doing at all of this. I screamed and cried about how the whole point of staying home was to actually be with the kids. Now, I don't have time to make home cooked meals 7 nights a week. I can't go to the farmer's market for our produce. I can't give them the perfect balance of art + music exposure, reading time, free play time, outside time, etc. etc. etc. I was just standing in a room yelling at Chris about all of the things I couldn't do with the time constraints I realized I had on me. I didn't even for a second think about all I was accomplishing with the time I was learning to utilize.
God gave me that man. There are moments where that becomes loud and clear. He made me sit on the floor next to him. Somehow he knew that just the change in elevation would calm me down. He looked me in the eyes and said (while I started flat-out sobbing), "You are giving our family something to be so proud of. You are teaching them lessons that they can't get anywhere else. They are developing a work-ethic and absorbing so many values about what it means to pursue something just by watching you. They are not deprived. They feel safe and loved here. And they have a mom who is teaching them so much more than you would if you were stressing about the kind of produce they ate".
I meeeaannn. I even baked cookies.
I mean. Hand me a Kleenex and I'll be on my way. What can you do after a comment like that other than just knuckle down and get back to work?
Also, whenever I take the time to flip my perspective, I realize that I am doing pretty darn good. I haven't cooked dinner every night this week, no. But I have cooked a pretty decent meal for either dinner or lunch 4 of the 5 days of this week so far. We have gone out to eat, but we have made healthy choices with where we've gone. Pizza has been ordered once...which can count for or against me as a parent depending on your feelings about pizza.
I haven't done any art projects with my kids this week. But we have had a pool day, gone to the public library, and had about 50 spontaneous sing-along sessions of "The Ants go Marching" and "If You're Happy and You Know It". Isaiah is at the age where he will do all of the motions, and I used to be a preschool teacher and have literally no qualms about jumping around and singing with a kid. Especially if he's mine.
Stories have been read. Boo-Boos have been kissed. Time outs have occurred. To my kids it's all just a normal, happy week. Mama is just doing some hardcore work in the background. And that's ok.
It's ok, guys. The sacrifices are worth it, and I am here to tell you that. So here is your gold star for laying the brick and mortar of your success with these little things you're giving up. Don't fall into the trap that it's not important, and "5 minutes of looking at Facebook during my work-time won't hurt". We all know that turns into 50 minutes and then you've just said no to your dream for Facebook. Keep on hustling hard, friend. One day all of these little sacrifices will really measure up and you will be so proud you kept the faith in yourself. <3
PS-Connect with me on Instagram to let me know your thoughts, and to hear more from me on the whole working/parenting full-time balance.
